Being Stoopid 

i have to say i've tried a lot of stupid things in the past...and lets say that my success rate of trying these things aren't very high.  so i thought i would share what i've done so that in the future you won't make the same boneheaded actions as i once did.

1.  gasoline doesn't taste like alcohol
far from it actually.  the fumes alone are the worst thing to put in your throat.  it actually feels like you're stripping the inner lining of your throat when you drink it.  and keep in mind, i just took a sip. 

2.  do not kill a bee by trapping it in a snapple bottle and filling it with WD-40 and dropping a match in there
unless you want to lose your eyebrows, do not try this.  i did this when i was 10 years old in my backyard when i thought fire and flame was the best insecticide on the planet.  i caught the bee in the bottle then just started dousing the insides with WD-40 (a highly flammable grease).  then i dropped a match in there..then BAM....the flame shot out like a cannon and burned my eyebrows off.  no joke.  and worse yet, the damn bee was still buzzing around in there...who eventually escaped as i checked out my new eyebrowless self in the mirror.

3.  eating ice cream even more quickly after you start getting brain freeze doesn't make it go away
i dunno why, but i thought there would be a threshold for brain freeze...as in, it hurts to a certain point but if you keep going, it'll get used to it and get passed it.  i was wrong.  it just gets worse. 

4.  i do not have jedi mind tricks, neither do you
this is probably one of the most disappointing things i found out.  i used to sit in my living room..extending my hand to try to make the remote control on the ground in front of me, fly to my hand.  i would seriously sit there for 30 minutes at a time trying this.  i did this for 2 reasons...to check if i have a telekinetic powers and that i'm a lazy arse.  but never has that remote control budged.  in addition, waving your hand in front of your mom's face and saying "you will give your son a raise in his allowance" doesn't work either.  in fact, your mom will wave her hand and you will feel the true force, as she actually slaps you with her jedi mind tricks.

5.  jumping up and down during a picture doesn't make you blurry
for some reason, i thought if you jumped really quickly or just starting shaking like a bumble ball when someone is about to snap a picture, you would come out blurry.  this is not true.  in fact you come out perfectly clear (if they're using shutter speed 200 and up).  actually, if you look at pictures of me from friends, my hair is standing up cause i was coming down from a jump and i just look retarded.

6.  do not put your finger in a light socket...its just like the cartoons tell it
i'm not kidding...this is not fun.  do not put your finger in a light socket on the on switch.  i never felt anything that potentially dangerous.  my whole body would tense up and i felt like i was kicked by a horse.  it is NOT fun.  afterwhich, your arm just feels numb and you taste this weird metallic thing in your mouth.  this is the same as peeing on an electrified fence.  same thing would happen..except something else besides your arm would be numb.

7.  although it looks like it, elmer's glue is not mayo
just trust me on that one.

The List

1.  she has to love hippos
2.  she has to appreciate my kind of humor
3.  even if she doesn't appreciate my kind of humor, she has to at least pretend and make me believe that she appreciates my kind of humor
4.  she has to see my chivalry not as something to undermine her, but something to respect her with
5.  she has to have a full set of teeth
6.  she doesn't have to be pretty, nor does she have to be cute, but she has to be beautiful
7.  she has to have a degree of spontaneity and outgoingness
8.  she has to have a great smile
9.  her hands have to just fit in mine...you know, where the fingers go in the right place
10.  she has to be able to let me know when i am wrong
11.  she has to see me as the person i can be but still love the person that i am
12.  upon spilling photo liquid in her eyes, she must not demand that i give my eyeball up for her
13.  she doesn't need to know how to cook, but she has to know how to use the microwave.
14.  she has to trust me as much as i trust her
15.  she has to be down to earth and know when to be serious, and when to joke around
16.  she has to be an optimist
17.  she should appreciate my friends and be willing to hang out with them regardless if they are crazy loons who like to bang pots and pans on their heads and wrestle
18.  she has to look good in a pair of jeans =)
19.  she should bolster my strengths and bandage my weaknesses
20.  she has to know when i want to be alone, but know that i never want to be without her
21.  she has to have a brain....just enough to talk about the global impact of the simpsons
22.  she has to be kissable
23.  she must respect my decisions...and understand my mistakes.
24.  she has to not feel embarassed when if i go to the toy section @ stores. Big  plus if she likes them
25.  she has to be generous...not to me...but in general.
26.  she must know what to do in case i choke on something (just in case)
27.  she should be modest yet straightforward and knows what she wants.
28.  she has to like cartoons
29.  she shouldn't have a criminal record
30.  she has to be human
31.  she has to watch Friend's episodes with me.  a lot of them
32.  she has to appreciate my cooking
33.  she has to like to do 'nothing' with me 
34.  she should dress down to earth
35.  her laugh shouldn't sound like a dying cat
36.  she has to understand that she is beautiful too.
37.  she must not have any horns protruding from her head
38.  she shouldn't snore too loud.  she can snore...but not like a diesel truck. cute snores are welcome
39.  she has to be honest
40.  she has to be low maintenance - not a full time job? Haha
41.  her fart has to smell like flowers - haha - j/k
42.  she has to speak english....otherwise, i'm SOL.
43.  she has to be weaker than me....basically to ensure she won't kick my butt.
44.  she has to be ticklish - unlike myself - AHEM
45.  she should tell me if im wearing my shirt inside out
46. she has to love raving
47. she should drive a beetle.. Dont ask- i dunno why
48. she has to understand that as much as i like cs ... I love her so much more
49. she has to have a good sense of humor
50. and i hope she will love me for me.

All of the above

How to score an A on your tests

1.  invest in teargas
thats right...start buying up cans of teargas.  here's why.  everyone knows that all the nerds, smart people, and graduate students congregate @ class 15-30 minutes before the test.  i mean, they're the most prepared, they're pumped and ready, and itching to tackle this test.  thats why, 15 minutes before the exam starts, you pop open some cans of teargas and lob them in the classroom.  and BAM...all those kids at the top of the curve get knocked out.  and you're left with all the latecomers, the procrastinators, and slackers...and bam, the curve will be significantly lower.

2.  use "pubes"
everyone knows with the right words, you can distract someone during a test.  so 30 minutes before the test, before the first nerd comes to class, stand outside the door of the classroom.  as each student comes into class, whisper in a freaky voice "pubes".   and what you'll witness is a room full of confused classmates as they constantly think about the random dude who said "pubes" before entering the classroom...they'll be so distracted that they'll bomb the test.  and everyone knows that THAT word can ruin any situation.  *can be used during weddings too*

3.  fill in the rest of the word
ok so the teargas was too expensive, and "pubes" doesn't phase your sicko classmates....thats when you need to get your parents on your side instead.  so for every grade other than an A you get, just fill in a few extra letters alongside your grade.  for example....

if you get a B- just write Best in class!
C- inCredible!
D- Doggone it you're a friggin genius!
F- Fantabulous!

4.  staple $200 dollars to the back of your test
enough said.

5.  take more time
this only works for big classes where there are at least 100 students.  on hard test, just take your merry time.  even if the professor tells you stop and put down your pencils....ignore him.  continue on.  as all the students go up and pile their tests on his desk, just keep going until you're satisfied ...take ALL THE TIME YOU WANT.  after you're done, your professor will be considerably upset that you did not heed to their warning.  "i can not accept that test, i told you to stop!"  thats when (while your test is in your hand) you look at him/her all seriously and say "do you know who i am?"

the teacher will be perplexed and getting nervous as he/she grips onto the pile of tests in front of him/her.  so say it louder "do YOU know who I am?!" (try emphasizing different words.) "DO you KNOW...who I AM!?"

your teacher will then respond "No..i DO NOT KNOW WHO YOU ARE!"

thats when you grab the test pile, throw in your test in the middle of all the students and then flip the stack and say "good."

then walk out....

6.  when all else fails
and so lets say you can't do anything else...then do the cop out way..the easiest way....and just STOODY

P.S. I miss you Patty

11  ways to make your great grandkids remember you

1.  etch your name on everything in your house.  that way, if anything gets passed down it will say "[insert your name here] wUz hErE! wAssssAAAP!"

2.  establish a small village and then have your own statue and monument @ the town's center.  also name your town after you- ex. Dickieville

3.  make sure you have a middle name and try to assasinate the president (jk)

4.  make a hit cartoon that will be repeated in the future.  (like, notice how the teenage mutant ninja turtles, my little pony, and transformers are coming back?)  but instead, name your cartoon after yourself - Richemon- gotta blog em all.

5.  change your name to abraham lincoln

6.  when you're dead, haunt them....like non-stop.  pop up behind them when they're looking in mirrors and whisper weird things like "red pepper!  red pepper!"

7.  when in rome....make it a point to name your kids with your name followed by a roman numeral richardchenthe IX

8.  alter your genes and insert your name in there - ATTGGTAGCTTAGCGrichardchenTGATCGATGGC

9.  refer yourself as CRAZY UNCLE or CRAZY AUNTIE cause we all know only crazu uncles and crazy aunties get their life stories passed down as the "DON'T DO this or you'll turn out like your crazy uncle dickie" stories

10.  make a xanga site.  cause we all know this will last forever....right?

11.  embed your dead decaying body in diamond.  cause we all know...diamonds are for....

Finding Nemo

the true story of finding nemo.

disney people are sick.  but the movie was pretty good.